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Annual Festive Season Letter From The Nimrod-Smellvederes

18 December 2014 @ 11:57

-Besty Sanger Smellvedere-
-Babert Percy Nimrod-



2014 was a very busy year for we Nimrod-Smellvederes – being concerned, compassionate, and activist is nearly a full-time occupation!

Contrary to what you may think, that is not a picture of us standing in front of the Smithsonian Building in Washington, D.C. on the Festive Season Card. This year for our Summer Learning Vacation, we went to Berkley, California and had one of the Gender Studies Professors take this shot of us in front of the Che Guevara Reproductive Center, where we attended several fascinating lectures on the history of LGBT involvement in the developments of pasteurizing, bouffants, and runes.

Other family travel highlights this year include the Kinsley Institute, kayaking, the Alger Hiss Playwright’s Festivus, mountain biking, bitter-clinger baiting, and, of course, zip-lining at Garcia Pond in Vermont.

Family protests included protesting against the Ferguson and Garner Grand Jury decisions, against cis-normativism, against Israeli control of the home soda-making market, against all things Israel, against tampons, against epidemic gun ownership and rights, against Alex Trebek, against King Vaccine, and for equal rights for non-gendered little people and for dolphins.

Alin Ski expressed an interest in joining the military (!) after high school. We encouraged and eventually convinced him to ‘take it slow’ and to take his time making a decision on such a big move. So Alin will be spending part of 2015 questioning his role in promoting and sustaining patriarchal oppression and then his gender.

Speaking of sustainability: Apple Rainbow and her new ‘paramour’, Lahfisha Jones, devoted one day a week from April until October looking for recyclable materials in public restrooms at BDSM establishments. You’d be amazed at how much waste they found! Much thanks goes to the owners of these clubs for allowing 14 year-old Apple to do her duty to the environment. Lahfisha has been a welcome edition to the clan and Babert Percy was very happy to help in having those false domestic battery charges against her dropped from when she was 23. We also appreciate Lahfisha’s help in taking 12 year old Cumquat Melon to her first Anti-Slut Shaming March.

Cumquat surprised us all with her talent for Expressionist Painting! One of her works, Penis Oppressing A Field Of Free-Range Vaginas, was featured in an exhibition at the Jane Fonda Center For Non-Oppressive Art at Smith College! We were so proud of her that we put her in charge of the placenta garden.

Betty was honored to receive the Least Racist White Person Award from the Sheila Jackson Lee Family Foundation. The Award was presented by First Person Michelle Robinson Obama and Betty got to listen to Michelle tell her of being treated as a second-class citizen at Taco Bell, Denny’s, and Big Lots.

Betty also attended her 40th college reunion at Wellesley in June and embarrassed herself at the nude female consciousness-raising dance party by singing I Am Woman in Esperanto. No twerking, but plenty of slow dancing to Joni Mitchell tunes!

Babert recovered very nicely from his testosterone removal surgery and was quickly able to resume his sustainable woodworking classes and linen design circle activities.

The whole clan continued to attend group therapy and make significant progress in overcoming their Westerness. We don’t have to tell you that False Consciousness is a real b-tch!

When you get our next Annual Festive Season Letter, Apple will be in high-school, Cumquat will have been a camp counselor at Camp Clitoris, and Alin will, hopefully, not be in uniform oppressing the masses, but be in high-heels (hope and change are eternal!).

Coexist Everybody!…

Betty Sanger, Babert Percy, Alin Ski, Apple Rainbow, & Cumquat Melon

  1. 18 December 2014 @ 13:43 13:43

    The thing is, far too many of the details would be in a real annual letter.

  2. 19 December 2014 @ 08:35 08:35

    Even Gomez and Morticia would baulk at having that mob for neighbours.

  3. 22 December 2014 @ 22:22 22:22

    Sounds like some members of my family…


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