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#NOAFW – Exclusive: Feminists Attempt To Brainwash Kate Upton

11 May 2014 @ 01:18


Kate-Upton-TB-000TCOTS News has learned from several of it’s souses that there had been a years-long scheme by Feminists to brainwash America’s Sweetheart, model Kate Upton.  We have discovered that these deranged womyn, none of whom was ever asked to a prom, decided recently to up the pressure on Miss Upton, but that this effort backfired miserably.

Our souses tell us that the evil [and hirsute] Feminists seemed to have succeeded when the following news first broke in the New York Post:

They’re two of the biggest stars in fashion, double-billing on the covers of Sports Illustrated, Vogue and Vanity Fair and lusted over by countless admirers — still, Kate Upton can’t stand them.

“I wish I had smaller boobs every day of my life…” the supermodel and actress tells Britain’s The Sun on Sunday.

“Every single day, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, it would be so much easier,’ especially if people didn’t constantly bring them up,” she confesses of her two biggest assets.

At least twice a day she wishes she were smaller up top, Upton, 21, admits….

A collective shudder ran through the whole of the male community when this news hit, with many men drinking heavily and vowing revenge using pointed sticks, while in the Feminist Coven, there was much rejoicing and the mixing of anti-depressants with organic wine.

However, the Sapphotic celebrations by the serial on-the-raggers were short-lived, as the lovely Miss Upton quickly clarified the situation:

…in an interview with Australia’s 2DayFM hosts Dan and Maz today, Upton insisted she was actually misquoted.

“You have said that maybe you’d like to have a breast reduction one day,” Maz began, before Upton interrupted her.

“I actually didn’t ever say that. Isn’t that lovely whenever the media makes up something? It’s like, ‘It’s my body, I’ll tell you how I feel about it,’” said Upton….

“I would say that all women feel that sometimes they don’t have life perfect or they don’t feel their best. But I love my body and I always feel incredibly grateful for what I have….”

The Feminists lied!  Men sighed.  And those lovely breastaces almost died.

Real, Patriotic America dodged a bullet once again.  But we at TCOTS News have to ask: Where will the Hirsute Halitosisian Harridans strike next?  Christina Hendricks?…God forbid!


Bob Here…

I was so angered by this diabolical attempt to turn America’s Sweetheart into a RadFem that, as you may recall, fearing that my anger would get the best of me, I gave up blogging for five years [give or take four years, 364 days].

You can well imagine, I’m sure, my sense of relief when I discovered that the beautiful Miss Upton has gloriously fended off this fiendish conspiracy that sought to condemn her to a life of no PIV and having to laugh at Ellen DeGeneres’s serial unfunny attempts at humor.

Three cheers for Shield Maiden Kate ‘Brunhilda’ Upton!

Now…in celebration…






Please click on the image above to see full-size.


Please click on the image above to see full-size.




Please click on the image above to see full-size.




Please click on the image above to see full-size.

Well…this brings us to the end of another successful National Offend A Feminist Week


A very special thanks to Stacy McCain for coming up with the idea.

I’ve really enjoyed offending Feminists with you all this week and I’d just like to say…

I’m so glad we had this time together
Just to have a laugh and zing a dyke
Seems we just get started and before you know it
Comes the time we have to say: ‘Soooo long’

Goodnight Everybody!

  1. 11 May 2014 @ 01:35 01:35

    She’s great!

  2. Starless permalink
    11 May 2014 @ 07:24 07:24

    If not for feminists, those sweater puppies could unite all men and bring about world peace.

  3. 11 May 2014 @ 08:31 08:31

    Yeah, when I first heard that, I wanted to smother my face betwixt them and cry myself to sleep. Now I just want to smother my face betwixt them.

    • Starless permalink
      11 May 2014 @ 09:44 09:44

      New slang coined exclusively for Kate Upton: “aircraft carrier”.

    • 11 May 2014 @ 20:41 20:41

      If I were with here in that kind of situation, I would cry tears of righteous joy.

  4. 11 May 2014 @ 11:05 11:05

    She is proof I am in the right species.

  5. PapaMAS permalink
    11 May 2014 @ 11:23 11:23

    She has the kind of looks that always have made me stop, stare, smile, and sigh.

  6. Libertarian Advocate permalink
    11 May 2014 @ 17:29 17:29

    She is the very best feature of the otherwise colossally awful film “The Other Woman.” Do not let it be said that I didn’t warn you.

    • 11 May 2014 @ 20:43 20:43

      I intend to check out some of her performance in it only when it is available for free – I certainly won’t watch the whole thing.

  7. 11 May 2014 @ 21:08 21:08

    Lovely, indeed.

  8. GOODSTUFF permalink
    17 May 2014 @ 22:28 22:28

    Kate Upton has the breast PR team in the business – will link back to you

    Kate Upton doing a Zero-Gee Whiz science project! Kate Upton explains that universal law of gravity is a force of attraction that exists between any two objects that have mammary mass. The more mammary mass they have, the greater the force of attraction. Moreover, the closer mammary mass are, the greater the force of attraction.

    • freedom2014despitebarack permalink
      09 July 2016 @ 00:10 00:10

      thanks for the link

  9. freedom2014despitebarack permalink
    09 July 2016 @ 00:09 00:09

    God bless her. She knows she is beautiful, literally worshipped by men the world over, and unapologetically embraces her beauty, her curves, her boobs.
    Kate, may we meet in heaven without our spouses around. Yeah, that is why it is called heaven.


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