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Barry Mitty

26 June 2013 @ 11:11

Dan Collins earns himself The Righteous Rant Of The Day award from TCOTS.

On 25 Mohammed [old calendar: 'June'] in the Year Five, Anno Salvator, Julius Obamacus Nero Caesar [formerly: Barack Hussein Soetero-Obama] Anti-President of The United States Of America, Fearless Leader and Duce [Ill Dou'che?], Lowerer Of The Seas, Defender Of The Islamic Faith Cult, Apologist Of All That Is American, Sovereign Of The Stimulus, Healer Of The Earth, Duke Of No Nukes, Sovereign Restorer Of Images, Messiah Of The Lay-Abouts, Sovereign Organizer Of Communities, Duke Of Alinsky, Sovereign and Most Honourable Provider Of Health Care, Grand Poohba of the Most Venerable Order of Narcissists, Financial Adviser-In-Chief, Physician-In-Chief, Linguist-In-Chief, Personal Trainer-In-Chief, Supreme Spiculate of Spite, Lord Of The Food Stamps, Defender Of The Debt, Earl Of Tantrum, King of the Irony Throne of the Seven Kingdoms in The Game Of Drones, Kings of Rooseveltia, Supreme Poetry Master, etc., spaketh to the peoples of his realm the obscene ordure of stultifying stoolery regarding the fantasy known as, once again, Globull Warming.

This prompted Necropolitan Sentinel Dan Collins to writeth a Righteous Rant:

Chris Matthews hysterically warned that Miami could become another Atlantis, disappearing beneath the waves, though the latter, so far as we know, is an even more mythical civilization than Miami’s. The President opined that climate change denialists—though he was talking again, like Matthews, about global warming—were members of the Flat Earth Society. The actually extant Flat Earth Society responded that it does believe in climate change. New studies have shown that without stringent controls on the variety of CO2 that is emitted by the combustion of coal, tens of thousands of Yetis will likely be displaced into Nepal, Tibet, and possibly Bhutan, none of which is prepared to absorb those numbers of hirsute caucasianoids, and that Leprechauns are liable to seek sanctuary in Greenland, upsetting the ecology there and hoodwinking by sign language and ignis fatuus sealskin-clad nomadic hunters, still recovering from the shock of seeing Victor Frankenstein pursue his Monster across ice floes. Africanized chupacabras may extend their range as far north as Boulder, Colorado, leading to a shortage of kebabs and the possible extinction of the lofty mountain goat, which would be forever. The normally reclusive government of Shangri-La proclaimed its full-throated support for Obama’s measures, while elves and faeries step-danced joyously in crop circles left by enigmatic intergalactic aliens. So would have certain mullahs, atop oil reserves, who want nuclear capabilities only for peaceful purposes involving the sending of monkeys on space exploration programs in non-military rockets, because it is the will of Allah—Who, however, prefers they don’t dance. American youth, who should not be submitted to unpaid internships, rapturously received the news that Boomers, who in their own youth wanted The Man out of their lives, would now subject them to mandatory national service, where they will join the ranks of the Unsullied and help Daenerys Targaryen recover her rightful throne in Westeros (where winter is coming, also, somewhat counterintuitively, because of anthropogenic climate change). The Discovery Channel suggested that Moscow smelled "a little squatchy." Janet Napolitano announced the US border with Mexico is secure. The IRS was shown definitively not to have targeted conservative organizations, but to err on the side of caution, the FBI is carefully investigating.

Do take the time to click here and read the rest.

Also, check out this other post by Dan that could be titled: Nice Football League You Got There, NFL – It Would Be A Shame If Something Were To Happen It.

RELATED: Check out William Teach’s analysis of Barry’s speech here.

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