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Offend A Feminist: 08 May 2012 A.D.

08 May 2012 @ 21:25

I sincerely apologize for my delay in joining the festivities surrounding National Offend A Feminist Week.  I have spent the past twenty-four hours counseling several misguided yuuts, both male and female, on the proper way for the two sexes to approach the Real World.  You see, so many young people are being brought up these days without the benefit of learning history because the Commie Pinko Scum who teach it don’t want them to know the truth.  It might cause them to question what the con job they’re being subject to day-in and day-out and, as you know, the dirty smelly Bolshes can’t abide being challenged.  I’ve learned a lot these past passing hours and I thought I might organize the advice I gave to these young whippersnappers so that you may show it to your sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, and assorted bastard offspring.

Let me first note for the record that my participation in these kind of activities for National Offend A Feminist Week are not required of me because the best way I’ve found to Offend A Feminist is to just exist and be my normal self, so, therefore be aware that my plunging in the stew Stacy McCain is cooking is being done purely as a lark, and that gracing all of you with my witty presence is merely my gift to you, my Friends In The Ether.

ONWARD HO!

Herewith, a brief primer on the best way for men and women to coexist in harmony…

I’ll just touch on some of the key points I made:

-Men: If you find your woman is getting more and more restless, that she is seeming to be getting bored doing those things which she was meant by Nature and Nature’s God to do [like cleaning for you, cooking for you, getting you that needed Cup Of Joe or shot of whiskey, etc.], it may well be because you made a serious mistake…

Never, ever burden your woman with such things a book learning [unless, of course, it is a cook book or mixology tome, or some other kind that teaches her how to serve you properly].  Too many men, caught up in the lie that is ‘equality of the sexes’ often allow their women to enter areas where only men are properly equipped to tread.  So, no books, no The Wall Street Journal, and, for God’s sake, no historical documentaries.

-Allowing a woman to pursue such things as book learning, will put bad ideas into your woman’s cute little heads.  Next thing you know, they’ll be demanding to seek employment beyond where they belong as Secretaries.  And that, my brothers, will lead to nasty incidents…

-Ladies: Avoid such things as books or those sections of newspapers that do not concern themselves with the latest fashions and cooking recipes.  If you do not, you will end up asking the wrong questions of yourself.  Remember…

…And those men that do ask ‘Is she clever?’ are closeted pansy boys who have a weirdly close relationships with their mothers and comment at Little Green Footballs.

-Ladies: Please remember that you’re not as worldly as you think you are.  We men, in trying to be nice and make your lives easier…

…have lulled you into the misguided notion that you can compete with us in the Real World.

-Now…come on…stop that sniffling…I’m not saying that they’re aren’t plenty of useful occupations that you can pursue.  Quite the contrary!  There are many worthy professions that are perfectly suited for just for you!  Here are a few…

= After a hard day, men need to relax and you ladies are wonderfully equipped to create the conditions where a man can unwind and, for a few hours, forget that he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders…

…dancing and singing and, most especially, purring are something you kitty kats do very, very well.

= Sometimes men like to unwind at small gatherings, where they discuss things that are none of your concern, and nothing pleases such men more than being surprised by a gal in a cake…

Look at the joy on those men’s faces!  That gal is performing a valuable service to those hard working-men — why, it’s patriotic what that dame is doing!

= If you are the shy type, you still can contribute to easing a man’s worried mind by posing for the covers of manly men pulp novels…

…or appearing in Gentleman’s Magazines…

See!  There’s so much you can contribute that is worthy of your talents!

Don’t waste your time trying to compete with the guys — it will bring you nothing but heartache and, possibly, make you into a sad Old Maid who lives alone and spends you nights in front of your TV watching Sex And The City reruns, while eating a pint of low-fat ice cream, petting your cat, and tearfully hugging your stuffed Llama, Mr. Snuggles.

You don’t want that, do you???

No…I didn’t think so…here’s my hankerchef…there, there…now, come on, give me a smile…just a little one…come on…good…now, don’t you feel better?  You do, don’t you.  Good, now be a good girl and grill me up some burgers…

10 Comments
  1. formwiz permalink
    08 May 2012 @ 22:19 22:19

    Virna Lisi in that whipped cream bikini!

    I see that and I’m 16 again.

    Thank you, sir, but, next time, can’t you get the color shot?

    • thecampofthesaints permalink
      09 May 2012 @ 07:14 07:14

      I didn’t realize there was a color version – thanks.

      • formwiz permalink
        09 May 2012 @ 10:37 10:37

        It’s a frame from “How To Murder Your Wife”. There was a better still – color – of it in Life when the movie came out.

        As you might imagine, I pretty much wore the staples out of that issue flipping to it.

        • thecampofthesaints permalink
          09 May 2012 @ 10:57 10:57

          Too few stars have bodies like that these days.

  2. M. Thompson permalink
    08 May 2012 @ 23:21 23:21

    Although a woman with plenty of intelligence and charm makes an evening far more pleasant. Really ladies, we’re mostly looking for something to take our minds off the bullcrud at work.

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