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There’s A Conspiracy Afoot!

24 February 2012 @ 19:08

Ever since CPAC 2012 finished a few weeks back, various bloggers who attended have been urging me to finally attend next year’s Conference.  At first, it seemed they were independently doing this, but now, that the calls have grown more numerous and the incentives have been ramped-up, I’m starting to think there’s a cabal of covert conservatives who, whilst engaging in one of their drunken and debauched soriees at the Conference [where the skirts were hemmed high, I’m sure], decided to perpetrate an intrigue designed to lure Your Humble Dispatcher into their coven of depravity and sordid endeavors, doing their best imitation of characters in a bad, grindhouse horror flick from the 1970’s [‘The Wicker Cons’?].

It started with seemingly upright Smitty and a seemingly tossed-off, innocent aside.

Then others, too numerous to mention, began to join in the urging.

Now today, they send in the big gun: Little Miss Attila sends an e-mail that informs me of a post she’s published over at The Conservatory on the move of next year’s convention to The Gaylord Convention Center at National Harbor, Maryland.  Then she fires the big shot:

…Well, you ought to go, since one of the bars in the actual hotel where the convention is to be held is named after you.

After this statement comes a link for the Belvedere Lobby Bar, the description of which reads:

Belvedere Lobby Bar
After Work Drinks & Lite Fare

After a long day in the nation’s capital, Belvedere’s sophisticated setting fosters a relaxing atmosphere to socialize with friends and colleagues. Located just off the main lobby, Belvedere offers a bird’s-eye view of our dramatic two-acre atrium, and the most magical sunsets over the Potomac River. Belvedere servers a variety of seasonal cocktails, as well as beer, champagne and wine by the glass.

Have a taste of the Far East in the spectacular setting of Belvedere Lobby Bar as you gaze at the sunset. Whether you’re looking for a quick-bite to accompany a Mandarin Sunset cocktail or a light and satisfying meal, our sushi chef will hand-roll your order using fresh ingredients. Select from a variety of maki sushi rolls, edamame, Japanese beers and inspired cocktails.

So, knowing my love of bars and appreciation of distilled C2H5OH, they think I will give in, attend the Conference, and then they can do that voodoo that they do so well and recruit me into their den of iniquity, their circle of wickedness.

They made one key mistake, however!

Once one follows the link to the Belvedere Lobby Bar, one finds there a link to it’s menu of refreshments and none of them are manly in character [while it must be noted that the beer selection is good, I require amber liquids to ultimately be sated in my God-given right to pursue Happiness].  Herewith a list of those cocktails on offer:

White Cosmo [chick drink…and raaaaacist to boot!]

Blueberry Lemonade [ditto; no real man would ever be caught dead imbibing any cocktail with blueberry in it!]

Peartini, Grapefruit ‘Martini’, Citrus ‘Martini’ [scare quotes mine, because there is only one drink that is allowed by all that it Good and Sacred to be called a ‘Martini’: the one made with Gin (the one made with Vodka is a ‘Vesper’); besides, these devilish concoctions were only invented for gals who couldn’t handle the real thing]

Sparkling Sangria [only if it’s four A.M. and the good stuff has all been consumed…and only if there is no rubbing alcohol available]

Mandarin Sunset [only if one is on a cruise or in a tropic zone and a pool is nearby, and then only one]

Blood Orange Bellini [maybe on a late Sunday Morning if one’s eyes are blood red…and there’s no bourbon about]

After seeing this list, I can only conclude that Joy and Smitty and the other members of the cabal seriously miscalculated their big move, that in their drunken stupors, when they dreamed up their nefarious scheme, their dipsomanical brains forgot that I am proudly a red-blooded American bourbon drinker [cue: The Battle Hymn Of The Republic].

Also, another mistake this sodden brain trust made: it is no secret to TCOTS readers that my father was shot at by a Jap sniper, that the bullet grazed his forehead and nearly killed him, so therefore I am weary of all things Nipponese [except the womens].

EPIC FAIL.

4 Comments
  1. M. Thompson permalink
    24 February 2012 @ 22:40 22:40

    Bob, they advertise that crud to attract the young and pretty sort of girl there who’s afraid of anything strong. Straight up bourbon will be available.

    As for the proper sort of drink, I prefer Scotch myself. Neat.

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      25 February 2012 @ 00:18 00:18

      So! You’re part of the conspiracy too! Satan!…Be Gone!!!

  2. 25 February 2012 @ 11:15 11:15

    Oh, you will go, Belvedere. You will.

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      25 February 2012 @ 15:39 15:39

      I cast you out! Unclean spirit!

      In the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ! It is he who commands you! It is he who flung you from the gates of Heaven to the depths of Hell!

      Be gone…from this creature of God! Be gone! In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, leave Dano!

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