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Icarus-In-Chief

18 May 2011 @ 11:40

On 16 Marx [old calendar: ‘May’] in the Year Two, Anno Salvator, Julius Obamacus Nero Caesar [formerly: Barack Hussein Obama], Anti-President of The United States Of America, Fearless Leader and Duce [Douche?], Lowerer Of The Seas, Defender Of The Islamic Faith, Apologist Of All That Is American, Sovereign Of The Stimulus, Healer Of The Earth, Duke Of No Nukes, Sovereign Restorer Of Images, Messiah Of The Lay-Abouts, Sovereign Organizer Of Communities, Duke Of Alinsky, Sovereign and Most Honourable Provider Of Health Care, Grand Poohba of the Most Venerable Order of Narcissists, Financial Adviser-In-Chief, Physician-In-Chief, Linguist-In-Chief, Personal Trainer-In-Chief, Supreme Spiculate of Spite, Lord Of The Food Stamps, etc., made his presence known to the faithful of The Order Of The Knights Of Toadie in the Holy City of Washington, in the District Of Columbia the Raaaaacist Explorer and delivered his judgments and wisdom and favors thereon to…

[translation of some passages by Robert Belvedere]

You know, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this campaign gearing back up [it never geared down], and obviously it evokes memories of 2008. And I think back to that night in Grant Park when all the work, all the traveling through Iowa, all the stops by diners and in folks’ living rooms, and in barns in some cases – (laughter) – had all culminated in this incredible moment – a moment that was less about me [aren’t I humble?] than it was about the American people and the commitment that we made to each other [via promises of ‘free’ money]; that we wanted a country that was true to its founding ideals, but had adapted to a new century [in other words, rejecting the Founding ideals]; an America that was big in spirit [ie: government] and bold in vision [ie: watching everything you do].

And I said on that night that this wasn’t the end, but rather it was the beginning [of the Communist takeover] – because what we understand even then was that our country had reached a crossroads [and I was just the man to sell America’s Soul to the Devil]. That we had a series of decisions that were going to help determine the future not just of our children, but our grandchildren and our great grandchildren [enslaving three generations to the state is damn hard work, you know]. That we were living in an age in which the world had shrunk [’cause the seas had risen], it had become more interconnected than ever before [CCTV cameras anyone?], and that if we did not make some critical decisions now, if we stopped just kicking the can down the road, but we decided that we were actually going to seize the moment [ie: never let a good crisis go to waste by not increasing the power of government], transform our education system [into a propaganda boot camp for Socialism and my Cult Of Personality] and finally fix our health care system [put it in a right fix], and deal with our energy policy so that we were no longer subject to the whims of the spot oil market [by refusing to Drill Baby Drill], and if we didn’t transform our foreign policy to recognize the visions and dreams of billions of people around the world who were yearning to be free [of The Great Satan, the Evil West] – if we didn’t make some fundamental changes [like discarding The Constitution once and for all], that we might be the first generation that was passing on an America that was less hopeful [about gettin’ some guvmit money], that was less generous [at the point of a gun], and that all those people who felt the American Dream slipping out of their fingers, that somehow that loss of hope would continue [it would have to, of course, for those who were against us].

And I said at the time this is going to be an uphill climb [and you were tasked with pulling my chariot]. Now, I didn’t know how uphill it was going to be [damn those pesky bitter clingers!]. (Laughter.) None of us did. It turned out that on that night we had already lost millions of jobs because of the financial meltdown and the recession [because of George W. Bush]. And it wasn’t until a few months after my inauguration that we realized we would ultimately lose 8 million jobs before any of our economic plans had a chance to take effect [Bush again] – the worst recession since the Great Depression [BUSH, BUSH, BUSH!!!] – and there are families all across the country that are still suffering from the aftershocks of that [W!].

And so we had to immediately start acting [like arrogant fools]. And in some cases the actions we took weren’t always popular [actually, none were with those relics called ‘Americans’]. But we knew that it was vital for us to act boldly and swiftly to address the crisis [I am so wonderful – love me, love me do!].

We decided that in a nation as wealthy as ours, it was unacceptable for people to go bankrupt just because they got sick [of paying their debts]. And so after 100 years, we finally delivered on the promise of making sure that we had affordable, accessible health care in this country for all people [for those people who I, in my wisdom, granted waivers to].

We made the largest federal investment [ie: money we just created out of thin air] in education in our history, but we didn’t just put more money in [no…we added some good old Marxism, too!]. We decided we were finally going to deliver on reform and help catalyze [you don’t even know what that word means, do you peasants?] reforms in 40 states all across the country to make sure that schools are doing right by every single student, K-12 [and seeing that, while they can’t read and write, they sure as Hell know how to stage a protest and save the whales]. And we also made sure that young people are able to afford to go to college [where they can get their Marxism straight-up, no chaser], so we took away billions of dollars of subsidies that were going to banks, and put those in the student loan systems so that millions more young people were able to go to college without taking on tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of debt [and then we either gave the banks more of that money we printed or we took ’em over].

We ended the law that said that you could not serve your country because of who you loved [Wow! Am I a sensitive guy or what! – ask Reggie Love]. (Applause.)

We made the biggest infrastructure investment in this century since Dwight Eisenhower built the Interstate Highway System [those signs cost an awful lot, don’t ya know]. (Applause).

And we’ve restored around the world a sense of America as a responsible actor that will uphold the principles of human rights and liberty and democracy [by supporting dictators – I know, I know: that seems illogical, but trust me, you’ll see…].

And in between we’ve dealt with pirates and – (laughter) – you remember pirates [they kind of act like my Administration]? – (laughter) – H1N1 and an oil spill [I ain’t lingering on that one, if you don’t mind] and locusts [‘Biblical plague’?  What plague?]. (Laughter.) So we’ve been pretty busy [through in the parties and the fundraisers and the golf and, man, it never friggin’ stops!].

And I couldn’t be prouder of our record over the last two years. Promises were made during the campaign and so many promises have been kept [especially to the unions and my comrades in the world struggle].

We still haven’t fully transformed our economy [into a Socialist Paradise] so that we’re competitive the way we need to be [with all them other Socialist Utopias], and are creating jobs [in the government] at the pace we need and growth at the rate that we need.

And so we still got so much work to do [wrecking a country that spans a continent ain’t easy]. The challenges we confronted were not the work of one year or two years or even one term. And that’s why I’m going to need you [to support me when I declare myself dictator for life]. That’s why, in some ways, this campaign may be even more important and more challenging in 2012 [damn teabaggers!]. We have to finish what we started. (Applause.) We have to finish what we started in 2012 and beyond [we’re talking a Hopey Changey dynasty here, folks, with free ice cream!]. And that’s why I’m going to need you all in [on the scam]. (Applause.)

Part of what made our campaign special was you – going out knocking on doors and organizing [believing in a total unknown like me]; some of you traveling to other states in the middle of winter. Occasionally, getting doors slammed in your faces. (Laughter.) “Obama who?” (Laughter.) [‘Oh, yeah!  That guy that wants to spread the wealth around, but has never met a payroll in his life, that guy’] But that energy, that inspiration that you gave me [by worshiping me like I was a god], the commitments you made to each other about the kind of country you wanted to live in [and the entitlements you wanted to collect], that spirit we need now more than ever [and, remember, cash equals spirit, in my book – and I do keep very good books with all your names in it].

And that’s part of the reason why we decided not to have our campaign here in Washington, D.C., but to have it based again in Chicago [also, it’s a whole lot easier to launder money there in Corruptsville]. Because I don’t want a campaign that suddenly is all about the insiders, suddenly is all about the pundits and the lobbyists [no, no, that’s my Administration’s duty] and – I wanted to make sure that we had a campaign that was rooted and grounded in what folks are talking about around the [soup] kitchen table and around the water coolers [in government offices] all across America. And that’s why it’s going to be so important that you are as engaged, as involved, as motivated as you were two and a half, three years ago. Because what’s at stake right now is not any particular policy – it has to do with a broader vision of where we want to take our country [and how much power I can accumulate].

I gave a budget address a while back [the Campaign to Re-Elect the Potentate, CREEP], and a lot of people reported on the numbers and the debt and the deficit, and why this is so important [what fools, eh?]. And let me tell you, we as Democrats, we as progressives, need to be just as concerned about the debt as anybody else because that’s how we will be able to move our vision forward [by making it really, really huge] – investing in education, investing in infrastructure, investing in clean energy [for ‘investing in’, read ‘raising taxes for’], if we’ve got a government that lives within its means [it just so happens those means, in my view, are limitless]. So we’ve got to be concerned about that [and those evil raaaaacist teabaggers, natch].

But this broader budget debate that is now carrying over and will probably continue all the way until November of next year, it’s also about what our vision of the country is [can you say ‘Immanentizing The Eschaton’?]. Are we a country that’s going to continue to be able to do big things [like government]? Are we going to continue to make a commitment that every child, regardless of race or station or region can achieve their dreams because they’ve got a school system that’s delivering for them [an unquestioning allegiance to me]? Are we going to continue to be a nation that has the best infrastructure [in terms of entitlements – screw the bridges], moving products and services and people and information from place to place [at my command – remember Boeing], because we’ve invested not just in roads and bridges and ports and airports, but in broadband lines and smart grids [and anything else my buddy Jeff Imault wants]? Are we investing in [for ‘investing in’, read ‘raising taxes for’] the future the way previous generations invested in us [no, of course not! – we’re doing it much much more ruthlessly]?

Are we going to continue to make sure that here in the United States of America we’re discovering the new great sources of energy [wind and solar rule!] that will help us save the planet [by ‘us’, of course, I mean ‘me’ – royal ‘we’ and all that] even as we’re strengthening our economy and are putting our people back to work [for the government]? Are we still dreaming big dreams in America [I sure am! – but, hey, that’s what gods do]? And are we going to continue to be a country that makes sure that our senior citizens can retire with dignity and respect [at the age of 80, or when I tell them to] and that Medicare is going to be there for them and Social Security is going to be there for them [at least until my Death Panels wisely say otherwise]? (Applause.)

And as we grapple through these problems, are we going to make sure that the burden is shared by everybody [by spreading that misery around]? We’re going to have to make tough choices [royal ‘we’ again]. But are we going to make sure that folks like me, who have been so blessed by this country, that we’re doing our part [of course, I decide what my ‘part’ will be – certainly not all of you unanointed ones]?

The other side right now, their only agenda is to provide tax cuts to folks like me [evil, dirty, stinking bullies]. And you know what, we all like tax cuts, but – (laughter) – no, I mean, I’ve never met somebody who said, “No, no, no, no.” (Laughter.) [especially my wealthy Leftist friends who want them raised on others all the time while they put their money in tax shelters] But you know what, I don’t want $200,000 in my pocket if I know that that means that 33 seniors are going to have to pay an extra $6,000 for their Medicare services [33 million seniors is a different story, however]. That’s not something I want. (Applause.) I don’t want special favors for me if it means that a whole bunch of kids are being cut out of Head Start. (Applause.)

See – and the reason I don’t want it is not just out of a sense of charity [although, face it, I am so damn charitable – with other people’s money]. It’s because my life is better when, as I’m driving down the street and I pass by a school, I know, you know what, that school is doing a great job for those kids [of course, I don’t drive any more because I can hire people on the taxpayer’s nickels to do it for me]. And if I pass by a senior couple holding hands and I think to myself, you know what, that might be me and Michelle some day. (Laughter.) [fat f’ing chance!] And I like the fact that I live in a country where they’ve got some security in their golden years [until my Death Panels say ‘enough is enough’]. (Applause.)

That makes my life better [duh!]. (Applause.) That’s the kind of America that I want Malia and Sasha to inherit [and rule over]. That’s the kind of America I want all of your children and grandchildren inheriting [in their dreams]. That’s what this debate is about [me]. That’s what this campaign is about [me]. That’s what this election is about [me]. (Applause.)

…The vision that brought us together in 2008, that’s undiminished in me [you’re still buying all that sharia I say]. The confidence I have in the American people [that you’re all suckers], in their decency [I know how to take full advantage of that, believe me], that’s undiminished [no one ever went broke underestimating the stupidity of you all]. My faith that we can make tough choices on behalf of future generations, that’s undiminished [I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman!]. My belief in you has not lessened [so saith I, you’re god and king – you shall have no others before me].

So when you think back to these last two and a half years, I want you to do so not with complacency, not with full satisfaction, but I want it to motivate you [to let you know there’s more free stuff for you if you remain devoted to me]. Don’t let people tell you that we can’t bring about change [they’re just raaaaacists who hate seniors, children, and puppies]. We have already brought about change. And we have more work to do [destroying the greatest nation the world has ever seen takes time]. (Applause.)

And if you are with me, if you’re all in [and you’d damn well better be, IYKWIMAITYD – you only exist to serve Caesar!], if you’re willing to knock on doors, and call your friends, and call your neighbors, [beat up those who are against me, threaten to harm their families, get them fired,] and keep at it, even when the journey is tough [or you end up in jail], I have no doubt that we will get to where we set out to go three and a half years ago, and we will deliver the kind of America that we want to our children [enslavement for all, one nation under me, indivisable, with liberty and justice for me and my commrades].

I, God, bless you, and I, God, bless the Banana Republic United States of America. (Applause.)

-Tip of the fedora to Pundette, who comments:

You’ve got to wonder what goes on in that mind. After a sermon like this, does he lock himself in the royal bathroom and have a hearty laugh at the faithful’s expense, or does he look in the mirror and see the halo?

I’d say he looks in the mirror as he, shall we say, ‘pleasures’ himself.

-Doug Ross has a nice one word summation of the speech here.

-Keith Koffler, who brought this to all of our attentions, is contrite:

I will try from now on to do things right, Mr. President. I’ll work for change you can believe in. I won’t give up hope, unless gas hits $5 a gallon. And as a sign of my nearly religious commitment, I will even obey Michelle’s dietary laws.

Because thou hast commanded . . .

Now, Mr. Koffler, bow down before the burning Bush and say ten Hail Fairys.

The Memeorandum thread.

-I have to go now and be disinfected, and then take a nice long, hot shower.

4 Comments
  1. loopyloo305 permalink
    18 May 2011 @ 14:06 14:06

    Very scary, kind of makes you feel sick with the man in charge!

  2. bobbelvedere permalink*
    18 May 2011 @ 21:03 21:03

    LoopyLoo: Me too, that’s why I drink.

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