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The Proctor Report: Breast-Staring Is Good For Your Heart [Updated Below]

05 March 2011 @ 02:08

Welcome to the first issue of The Proctor Report where Dr. Clyde ‘Fingers’ Proctor reports and comments on the latest developments in medicine and your health.

Dr. Proctor, OB-SCT [Scatologist], is the Chief of Vaginology at The Lord Fatheringay Von Whoopsie Memorial Hospital and Tiki Bar [on his lunch hours and weekends, he practices as Dr. Robert Oswald Belvedere, OB-GYN].  He is an avid beaver hunter and is a consultant to Lane Bryant and Playtex.

Dr. Proctor…

A recent study by German doctors has discovered that staring at a woman’s sweater puppies for ten minutes a day can lower blood pressure and stress on the heart.  While this is something many of us have suspected for a long time, it is nice to see a double-boob, er -blind study confirm it.  

The technical name for this treatment in the medial profession is the ‘Breast-Stare’ and it is something many of us here at Von Whoopsie have long prescribed to our patients, especially those of the male persuasion.

It has been my habit for many years to recommend to all my male patients that they Breast-Stare for at least fifteen minutes per day.  I also recommend that my female patients do the same — but only if I can watch.

Too many men in this country suffer from high blood pressure and heart disease.  They are overweight and, if married, subject to constant stress-inducing nagging.  Too many women in this country have lovely breasts and do not show them to the world in the best light — they cover them up and try to make it appear that they are not as big as they are — and this is not a healthy thing for women to do.  Breasts should be exposed to the open air and allowed to roam free. 

We can solve both problems by letting women know that exposing their breasts to others can prevent heart attacks and strokes.  Both sides would benefit: the men would enjoy better Heart Health and the ladies would know that they have provided an essential service to mankind.

As with any such endeavor, coordination of effort is the most efficient way to provide this life-saving treatment.  Therefore, it gladdens me to see that two of my fellow doctors, Dr. Robert Stacy McCain and Dr. CC ‘Dan’ Collins, have created the McCain-Collins Institute of Therapeutic Breast Staring to bring together those who need good treatment and those wonderful and endowed ladies who are willing to give good treatment.  I’ve known these two men for quite some time and I can assure you they will be very ‘hands-on’.

One more thing: many men are not aware that they need this type of treatment.  I have devised a simple and easy test that you can take online to see if you are a candidate for this important therapy.

To take this life-saving test, please click:

DIRECTIONS: Please stare at each of the following pictures with all of your concentration for no less than 30 seconds and no more than 2 minutes.  You may click on some of the pictures to enlarge them [nudge, nudge, wink, wink].  You will be asked 2 questions at the end of the test.  Please give a warm welcome to my Head Nurse, Tanya Song…

QUESTION: Does your heart feel better now and do you feel like your blood pressure has gone down?

If you answered ‘Yes’ to either one of the questions, then please contact Doctors McCain and Collins as soon as possible.

If you answered ‘No’ to both questions then you are a fairy.

UPDATE at 1259…

-My colleagues, Doctors McCain and Collins, were kind enough to link back to The Proctor Report.

-I am very happy to announce that they have asked me and I have accepted their invitation to join the McCain-Collins Institute of Therapeutic Breast Staring as an Associate in charge of Research and Development [IYKWIMAITYD].  I look forward to working and staring very closely with the Institute’s Starees and helping it Starers achieve a high level of Heart Health.  I just want to thank my two distinguished colleagues and say to them with the greatest of enthusiasm [and a bit of the other kind of -asm]: ‘Thanks for the mammeries!’.

-I am also very pleased to see that my fellow doctors have asked Joy McCann [aka: Little Miss Attila; aka: Double-D Delicious] to be Patient Liaison and the always charming Mike Hendrix [of Cold Fury] to be the Institute’s Lobbyist on Capital Hill.  Congratulations lady and gentleman.

-Red, Mistress of Caught Him With A Corndog [aka: Red ‘The Rack’], stands athwart herstory and shouts ‘It’s okay breasts, you can come out now!’ — methinks she would make a good Chief Nurse for the Institute [hint, hint].

-I wonder if my colleagues will be hiring Professor Donald ‘Restraining Order’ Douglas to give lectures on the ‘Mammification Of America’???

-It’s great to see that The Blogfather, Instapundit, the man who is THE Master of the Blogiverse, has taken an interest in this issue, perhaps the most important health issue since the epidemic of Erectile Dysfunction was discovered by Bob Dole, Dr. Ruth, and some guy named Lenny.

-I think it appropriate to end this Update with the words of one of the pioneers in this area, Dr. Rufus T. Firefly [tip of the fedora to Corio Lan]: ‘This could be the biggest development since Sophie Tucker’.

UPDATE at 1443…

-The Reaganite Republican has given of his free time to promote  Heart Health Through Breast-Staring and I thank him.

  1. wxwzrd permalink
    05 March 2011 @ 09:33 09:33

    I’m feeling a bit under the weather–can you send her over to take care of me?

  2. 05 March 2011 @ 09:42 09:42

    Reminds me of Germany. The few times if really got hot, the bras came off. I was told of this phenomenon and didn’t believe it until I studied it with my own two eyes. Office workers, ladies shopping, the neighbors… It was a titillating experience*

    * – Apologies for going for the obvious. I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity…

  3. 05 March 2011 @ 10:55 10:55

    Doing a fine job there Bob, of keeping us alive and well into our late nineties….

  4. 05 March 2011 @ 14:25 14:25

    Wzwzrd: Nurse Song spends most of her time catering to my Health Heart needs and, therefore, in unavailable. Would Nurse Verkaik be acceptable?

    Silverfiddle: Well then, I prescribe an intense regimen of treatment involving this German gal.

    Randy: While Bobby Bel runs this site, provides the Maker’s Mark in copius quantities, and is a great inspiration and mentor to us all, it is I who is the only board [and bored] certified doctor at TCOTS – no presciption for you.

  5. wxwzrd permalink
    05 March 2011 @ 14:41 14:41

    Bob–you are most kind!

  6. 05 March 2011 @ 15:03 15:03

    Man, all I know as you must be fit as an Olympic swimmer then Bob lolol

    Linked at my rag-

  7. nicholas permalink
    05 March 2011 @ 15:30 15:30

    Reaganite, blood pressure regulation is important. Bob is very serious about managing blood pressure.

  8. 05 March 2011 @ 21:59 21:59

    And remember, gentlemen:No half measures.

  9. 05 March 2011 @ 22:19 22:19

    ❤ it.

    Hey, there's a reason why married men outlive their unmarried counterparts – they see women's chests every single day.

    Is there any size issue here? Do the more athletic among us still help our boyfriends and husbands with their blood pressure, or is there a minimum D-level cutoff?

  10. 06 March 2011 @ 17:04 17:04

    RR: See my response to Randy above – no prescription for you either!

    Nicholas: We are all serious here at TCOTS about blood pressure!

    GN6: That’s the spirit!

    Roxeanne: Quality is always more important than quality, dear lady. As to your qualifications to be a Staree, this would require an office visit so please call Nurse Song and make an appointment.


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