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It’s Official: ManBearPig Is A Pig [Updated Below]

24 June 2010 @ 11:59

As you probably have heard by now, Nobel Prize Winning Chairman Of The Bored Algore has been accused of sexually attacking a masseuse in Portland, Oregon back in 20069.

-Stacy McCain has been on the story since yesterday morning since he first got wind that the story would be appearing in the next issue of the National Enquirer under the title AL GORE SEX ATTACK!  As he commented in his first posting:

There’s a nausea-inducing phrase, eh?

Quite [although why he had to express his discomfort in a Canadian accent is baffling].  I was so distressed by the images conjured up that I had to run out and pick up an extra supply of Brain Bleach™*.

Stacy, like I think many of us I reckon, treated it like a joke when we first heard about the story, but, as he reported later that afternoon, the report had actual valid backing.

This morning, Stacy published the details of the assault and they are not for the squeamish.  A lowlight:

…The woman said Gore grabbed her hand and shoved it toward his pubic area.

She alleged he later tried to have sex with her and began caressing her before she squirmed out of his grasp.

Oh…man….

Please do click on the three links above to Stacy’s postings for his links to various official reports and commentary.

-Over at Washington Rebel, Dr. Irish Cicero has the diagnosis of Algore’s condition.

-Check back here for an update later on.

ALGORE: ‘Now that I’ve signed your book, can I see your lock box?’
WOMAN: ‘Ahha…Your’re kidding….right?’

‘This stud HAS…A…FEVERRRR!!!’

UPDATE at 1751…

-Thanks to Stacy McCain for featuring this posting in his HEADLINES section over at the greatest blog site evah! : The Other McCain.

Pundette knows where Algore can find some good advice:

At least Gore knows a friend who can help him weasel out of this. Repeat after Bill: I did not sexually assault that woman.” Or this one: “It all depends on what the meaning of ‘massage’ is.”

Was ManBearPig at least smart enough to tell the gal to ‘put some ice on that’?

-Over at Eye Of Polyphemus, Jamie Jeffords makes a spot-on observation:

…There is always that suspicion that the wuss beta males are just looking to overcompensate for their weak image at any opportunity. Controlling a woman seems to be the popular choice, unfortunately.

ALGORE: ‘Now that I’ve signed your book, would you like to
make a slapshot with my hockey stick?’
WOMAN: ‘If it will help the planet…no, dweebface.’

UPDATE at 2027…

-Over at The Pirate’s Cove, William Teach has the Portland Police Bureau Report on ‘Mr. STONE’ AKA GORE, AL.  He also asks the question none of us have thought to ask, but should have asked right away when this story broke:

The big question is, was the masseuse using “green” products?

Al baby was certainly trying to spread a little organic material around, IYKWIMAITYD.

-Over at WyBlog, Chris has some very good advice for Mr. Stone that makes me wonder how he…ahem…came by this wisdom:

I’ll give you a hint Al. If the ad doesn’t say “full service” or “100% satisfaction” she’s not gonna love you long time.

ALGORE: ‘I’m Endangered Spiderman!  Come help me reproduce organically!’

__________________________________
*A registered trademark of Smitty-1E LTD.

19 Comments
  1. Adobe Walls permalink
    24 June 2010 @ 15:00 15:00

    The local authorities bought his defense which was that he merely wanted her help in combating semen level rise.

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      24 June 2010 @ 17:27 17:27

      Good one. This is a one-liner lover’s feast!

  2. 24 June 2010 @ 22:00 22:00

    I can’t help but think this is a simple mis-understanding, a business transaction where the communication broke down, where the actions of man had unintended consequences, and the end result is man destroying his own environment.

    I thought the guy became pretty scarce after the document dump at Hadley CRU. Now what? I don’t imagine he will be doing a lot of public speaking just now. It’s kind of difficult to preach about the moral superiority of living a green lifestyle when you’re getting after the help.

    Look AL, if you author a book titled “An Inconvenient Truth”… try to avoid getting stuck with a giant matzo ball hanging out there.

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      24 June 2010 @ 23:24 23:24

      …the end result is man destroying his own environment.

      Yeah…with napalm.

  3. 25 June 2010 @ 08:25 08:25

    EW. Uh, send me summa dat Brain Bleach™ stat!

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      25 June 2010 @ 10:53 10:53

      Fed-Exing…now!

  4. 25 June 2010 @ 08:45 08:45

    You’ve been linked on Today’s Forecast over at Corndog.

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      25 June 2010 @ 11:51 11:51

      Thank you, Miss Clover.

      • 25 June 2010 @ 23:55 23:55

        Well it worked out well. I was admonished by The Regeanite Republican for slacking in the correlation dept. I usually pair up my Today’s Forecast and The Word of the Day but I’ve been slacking lately because work has me frazzled anbd I just want to get something posted so I’ve been posting whatever Dictionary dot com sends me. I’ve been all over the map. This post gave me something congruent. You saved me Bob!

        • bobbelvedere permalink*
          26 June 2010 @ 00:05 00:05

          Anytime.

  5. 25 June 2010 @ 11:08 11:08

    “makes me wonder how he…ahem…came by this wisdom”

    It’s amazing what you can learn from a Fark thread.

    http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=3497591&hl=Need-a-handy-glossary-for-escort-service-terms-like-CBJ-DFK-Well-Department-of-Justice-is-here-to-help

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      25 June 2010 @ 11:50 11:50

      You Jersey guys are experts at quick CYA’s.

  6. 25 June 2010 @ 19:59 19:59

    Bob, have you read through the complaint? The gal is pointedly detailed, is knowledgable about her area of study, and goes into great specificity about the interaction. No question the woman filed the complaint. No question the Portland Police looked into it, the woman in question declined to proceed, and understandably so (see multiple Clinton sex abuse sex-capeds), with the legal and physical threats endured, along with the general sullying of her reputation. No way she would come out a winner in this. Even if proven she was completely correct in everything she said, how many clients would want to be a part of it? It’s like having your doctor walk into the room and he has his arm in a cast. People don’t like it. Anyways, three years later AL and Tipper part, and no one can figure out why. Recent high profile divorces had a sexual component to the story: Edwards, Sanford and the ever ambitious Tiger Woods. But no one has an imagination capable of putting a sex angle on the AL Gore story. Suddenly, up pop rumors with Laurie David. Then a sex story in the Enquirer looks like a laugher, but no, Portland Police confirm that a complaint had indeed been filed. And according to the highly detailed complaint, AL is trying to get this gal to experience an inapproprite sexual relationship with him in the most overbearing, threatening way. Later this hollowed out oak of a man switches tactics and pressures her to listen to Pink’s “Dear Mr. President” in the bedroom where his i-pod docking station was. Personally, I can’t believe girl’s go for that whole ‘my i-pod docking station is in the bed-room’ thing, but AL is in with Apple, so he gives it a go, all the while she is trying to figure out how to get out without getting him hostile or excessively friendly. And her is this 2000 runner up listening to Pink to assuage his feelings toward the guy that beat him in the 2000 election. Bob, if Big AL had one the election, do you would find George Bush litening to Pink about what a slug AL Gore was as president? Six years later?! No way.

    She walked in a big fan of AL’s and a fan of the global warming clap trap, and escapes thinking what a nut job this guy is and how could I have voted for him and placed Captain Queg’s thumb on the red button.

    Look I don’t need AL Gore to run the squeeze play on me to figure out he is a nut job. How is it that the nation came so close to electing this clown. And then we dodged the bullet with that Lurch guy John F’ing Kerry, and just when we thought we got past the worst of it, along comes Barack Obama and degrades the entire nation in just 18 months, with thirty more to go left on his contract. Why does it take experiences like this to get liberals to figure out what is painfully obvious to you and I?

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      25 June 2010 @ 20:12 20:12

      In your last paragraph you touch on a point that has been on my mind since this story broke: the last three Democratic nominees for President have all been strange fellows – the kind of people who are ‘off’, peculiar [emphasis on the letters ‘liar’], queer [in it’s original meaning]. Unstable in their different ways.

      You know, W had his problems, but there was a never a doubt that he was normal.

      Is this queerness the result of the fact that Leftism is, in fact, a mental illness [I’m serious]. They tend to be, deep-down, nihilistic in their outlook. I don’t know, but I will be thinking about this.

      • 25 June 2010 @ 23:57 23:57

        Leftists like the aforementioned are deeply defective and morally ambiguous.

        • bobbelvedere permalink*
          26 June 2010 @ 00:05 00:05

          But are they clinically mentally ill?

        • 26 June 2010 @ 09:18 09:18

          I think an enzyme is missing in the synaptic process.

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