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Unhand Those Major League Yabbos!

07 May 2010 @ 10:40

Before your read the statement below, it is imperative that you click here and bring yourself up to speed on the background by reading Stacy McCain’s report.

President, Founder, and Chief Investigator
Gigantomastia Society
Location: Dave’s Adult Pornorama, Behind The Green Door, Murray, Pennsylvania, 82827

07 May 2010 [Transcribed by Carol Wayne]

[This statement was read by Mr. Belvedere to the press before he delivered his annual speech to the Lane Bryant Booster Club this morning]

I apologize for not having spoken to you earlier.  After the terrorist act committed by doctors in Peru, I and my Deputy Chief Investigator, Christina Hendricks, decided to perform some intense examinations at the Society’s Bodacious Research Center in St. Thomas.

The actions of these Peruvian doctors are just another example of why doctors should be banned out-right or, at the very least, monitored by the government very closely.  Sadly, these beaner breastian butchers are but several more in a long line of doctors whose main speciality seems to be dastardly cruelty [Aside: I know I’m waxing eloquent here, but, believe you me, I rather be waxing Miss Hendricks right now].  History is littered with countless examples of these evil physician types: Joseph Mengele, Che Guevara, the current President of Syria, Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon, whoever did Greta Van Sustern — the list is near-endless.

The fact of the matter is: the condition of Miss Manihuari could have been managed with the right support and structure.  Deputy CI Hendricks and I had worked countless hours on a special device that would have allowed her to live a relatively normal and existence.  We have no doubt life in the Side Show business would have been fulfilling.  However, all our efforts were for naught because the lady was bullied and belittled into having this unnecessary and malicious surgery before we could take her in hand.

Gigantomastia [proper clinical name: Brazen Involuntary Ginormous Gigantomastian Unitary Nipplemastia Syndrome, or BIGGUNS] is not a condition to be ashamed of.  Those who have the condition are no different than the average woman, except that they’re much more fun to have at a wet tee-shirt contest.  Part of mission at the Gigantomastia Society is to encourage women with this syndrome not to give in to societal pressures that stigmatize humongous breasts as indicating Bimboism.  We show these ladies the truth: that this characterization was developed and promoted by jealous and resentful flat-chested women who can’t get their who-whos serviced.  As our CSO [Chief Staring Officer] Andi Ran has told you, I believe in taking a hands-on approach to solving this unjust and hurtful stigmatizing of these wonderful and lovely and mammarific women.  I will continue to do so despite the calumnies hurled against me and will endeavor to tirelessly to rack up more victories.

The Gigantomastia Society is committed to preserving what gifts the good Lord has given to mankind and is a Double E non-profit corporation that exists on the kind donations of people like you and with grants from The Oddfellows, The Chambermaid Of Commerce, The Raincoated Men Of America, Larry Flynt, The Rachel Maddow Envious Trust, and The Rule 5 Veterans association.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to give a speech and then Miss Hendricks and I have to perform an investigation on Miss Ashley Graham.  I will therefore not be able to take questions at this time, but if the gal from Fox News would like to speak with me in private later, I will be more than willing to, and I will bring the booze.

Thank you.  And remember: Give a hooter; Save the bazookas!

A bemused and full-of-anticipation Ashley Graham
refuses to comment
on Bob Belvedere’s impending investigation.

  1. Lipton T. Bagg permalink
    07 May 2010 @ 16:32 16:32

    We noticed you have the issue “well in hand”; linking and noting same here…

  2. 08 May 2010 @ 01:01 01:01

    Having Christina Hendricks on the team at the Bodacious Research Center is definitely a feather in your cap. These occasional glimpses of the fetching young woman is enough to make me consider watching Mad Men.

    Regardless, this is a big weekend for you Bob, and you know we are all hoping you will be bringing your ‘A’ game.

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      08 May 2010 @ 01:25 01:25

      Thanks for not putting any pressure on me.


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