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The Cleavage Wars: DISPATCH FROM SUPREME ALLIED HEADQUARTERS

27 February 2010 @ 19:17

1700 hours, GMT:

-My second-in-command, The Bishop, continues to do an outstanding job supplying troops and material via The Red Boob Express.  The son-of-a-bitch deserves a medal.  I highly recommend him for the Silver Bra with frilly lace clusters and V-neck.

-Gunnery Sargent R. Lee Ermey has been training the gals relentlessly and the troops, especially the newbies, are raring to get in the action.

-I am happy to report that the Free Beers troops [Le Trois Bières] are fighting successfully under the command General Richard Mcenröé André Joseph Marie Fullóv de Gaulle [although they suffered a setback during Operation Mammary Garden when they employed the Olivia Newton John artillery].  Never have I seen such brave fighting.  They are especially effective when they fart in the enemies general direction and blow their noses at them.

-Enemy actions:

=Kaiser Doug II launched offensive operations [I mean the word ‘offensive’ in both senses of the term] using silicone-based weaponry.  Aside: it continues to amaze me that the enemy feels the need to resort to such fake armor.  The attack will be repelled, I’m sure successfully, in our next attack [see next posting].

=General Marcus Irishicus Cicero has launched a major offensive attack and gained very little ground.  He has reported to harassing my troops with small skirmish attacks around the sides of our troop’s bustlines, all of which have been merely irritating.  In his latest assault against the forces of Good, Cicero lobbed side-boobage missiles and dropped librarian bombs, all to no effect.  My G4 tells me we have intercepted a message from the General that reads as follows:

I have post-traumatic Rosemarie Hillcrest syndrome because of Belvedere.

The Bishop has supplied plenty of Hillcrest Bunker Busters and I intended to use them, now that I know his weakness.

=There may be some dissension in the Washington Rebel camp: the Rev. Jesse-Rob de Witt Jackson has taken it upon himself, accompanied by some librarians, to broker a peace.  I have taken the librarians into custody and put the Reverend into confinement at Sea World.  Will these Alan Alda types ever learn?

=Not A Sheep, continuing to play the role of Switzerland in this conflict, claims they have been prevented by communication system errors from taking sides.

=Il Duche, Russ Muss Olini continues to try and make a dent in our lines, but its all been mere ack ack, as you can see by clicking here and here and here and here.  His favored commander, General McNamara tried to use a Milani Bunker Buster against us, but it was ineffective, as we own that bomb.  My G4 reports that the General required some serious nursing.

My G4 speculates that Il Duche maybe playing for time, to see which side gets the upper-hand, and then may Benedict Arnold General Cicero’s ass.  I will, of course, do everything I can to encourage this.

=The Classic Liberal whines that:

Not content on using their nuclear power for peaceful reasons, Bob Belvedere launched a ferocious attack!

I was just sitting here minding my own business, trying to update some of code. I wasn’t telling him how to run his blog, I haven’t occupied his comments …

I sent him a waahh-bulance through the lines.

He tried to retaliate with a major attack using silicone-based weaponry [fool him, we are impervious] claiming it was ‘enhanced interrogation’.  Interesting phrase coming from this descendent of Charlie Limburgh.

=General Trotsky Wysoki, and the weapons he has deployed, have been our biggest threat.  He has launched two major incursions using 100% USDA Grade-A Cleavage.  We were impressed.  However, both attacks failed because, while the cleavage was pleasing, the rest of the ladies were, shall we say, pleasantly plump, and the whole package must meet or exceed the standards of taste [although his second salvo almost makes it].  Hell, if only the quality of the mammaries mattered, the world would be a much more dangerous place.

Kaiser Doug II

=Finally, I received a message from Kaiser Doug II early this afternoon.  It read in full:

Sir, I will accept no terms but unconditional surrender.

My reply:

This is a pleasant surprise – I’m glad you have realized that resistance to The United States Of Bob is futile. You may surrender when you are ready, and thank you for accepting my terms with such good grace [whoever Grace is].

I have, not as yet received his surrender, so, the Battle Rages On.

-A sniveling, snot-nosed [like Obama] nosy newspaper reporter [what other kind is there] asked me what is my philosophy and motive waging this war [talk about navel-gazing!] and I replied:

To crush my enemies, to see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

-I am happy to report that the next offensive is scheduled to begin shortly.  Gunny is very confident that we shall achieve a crushing victory:

15 Comments
  1. Gatordoug permalink
    27 February 2010 @ 20:11 20:11

    Sir, I have offered you terms for your immediate surrender. It must be apparent to you that further resistance is futile. And sir, please, accusing me of being of German heritage? Scottish, and Irish sir. The William Wallace of cleavage, you might say.

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      27 February 2010 @ 20:14 20:14

      I wouldn’t say, actually.

      Surrender or face the nuclear option.

  2. 27 February 2010 @ 20:12 20:12

    Jesus, Jesse Jackson, Alan Alda and you spelled my name wrong all in one paragraph. Good thing I’m not sensitive. And I’m not unaware of the lure of lactation, but…. really, fellas,plastic tits?

    Shudder.

  3. KamikazeSquirrel permalink
    27 February 2010 @ 21:26 21:26

    My husband thanks you…..

  4. 28 February 2010 @ 01:04 01:04

    His strategy is clear. Make us laugh so hard, we go back to bloggin’.

    Dan!

  5. 28 February 2010 @ 02:06 02:06

    “Il Duche”…?

    That’s cold man. Cold.

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      28 February 2010 @ 16:29 16:29

      Well, to be honest with you [and I am always honest with my friends] your fightin’ in this here war has been very much like the Eye-Ties in WWII.

      • 01 March 2010 @ 09:55 09:55

        Oh man. Being compared to an Italian? I may now need two real good reasons not to kill myself before noon today.

        • bobbelvedere permalink*
          01 March 2010 @ 10:19 10:19

          Half my blood is Italian, Buddy.

        • 01 March 2010 @ 10:25 10:25

          Condolences.

        • bobbelvedere permalink*
          01 March 2010 @ 10:49 10:49

          The other half is Scots-Irish, German, English, and Cherokee – so beware Clyde: I’m a super hot, smoking melting pot of steel who’s always jazzed.

        • 01 March 2010 @ 10:56 10:56

          Irish, Norwegian, German and, yes, French here.

          But I’m a 100% boiling pit of American hellfire Great Man! I may back down to your superior Boob War firepower, this time, but that’ll be the only time.

          And who the hell is this “Clyde” chap?

        • bobbelvedere permalink*
          01 March 2010 @ 11:37 11:37

          ‘Clyde’: It was what Sinatra used to a guy when he was being sarcastic.

          Come over to the Side of Light and Right like Irish Cicero did.

          In my last comment I forgot to mention the following reagrding my Cherokee heritage:
          Though I wear a shirt and tie, I’m still a Red Man deep inside.
          Just so you understand where I’m coming from.

  6. 28 February 2010 @ 11:17 11:17

    You have impugned the honor of my troops sir! “Standards of taste” indeed!

    There is an important update aimed directly at your flank here (scroll down) – http://wyblog.us/rule5/operation-torch

    And I am mustering my reserves, so prepare to be overwhelmed by my superior force!

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