News From The Future: Body Of Missing Gonzo Reporter Found
DATELINE: Maryland, October 6, 2010
Tucker Carlson and Conor Friedsdorf reporting.
The body of gonzo reporter and white supremacist Robert Stacy McCain, missing since mid-February has been found tied to a tree near the General Gideon Pillow Memorial Hall, Sons Of The Confederacy Post #666, in central Maryland.
McCain had been missing since February 12, 2010, several hours after he had returned from a trip to Alabama to cover primary elections in that state. The Missing Persons Report was filed by his wife forty-eight hours after she claimed ‘he said he was going out to get a corndog and would be right back, but the SOB never did’.
At the time, police questioned a large list of suspects, including fellow racist bloggers Little Miss Attila, Richard McEnroe, the Sister of Obi, Dan Riehl, Ace, Stogie, Paco, Dan Collins, Ran Pacem, Carol Closet, Pat Austin, Carol Sheeple, William Teach, Russ Right, The Classic Liberal, Chris WyBlog, Gator Doug, Jill Pundette, Lancelot Link Burri, Steve Burri, Mary Sue Slippers, Red Corndog, Aleister Glob, Mike Fishersville, Jimmie Bise, Dave C., Ladd Ehliner, Rev. David Graham, and an un-named Sicilian man from Massachusetts. Police also questioned white supremisist leader and known pervert Donald Douglas of California and the suspiciously named Ali Akbar. These people were questioned in late February and early March because, as the authorities explained at the time, ‘we figured Mr. McCain had begged for money to fund his junkets one too many times and one of his wacko friends couldn’t take it anymore’. Sources in law enforcement tell us that all of those questioned were uncooperative except for the blogger known as ‘Allahpundit’.
The tree that McCain was found tied to.
The body was discovered attached to a snow shovel and tied to a tree with a sign around his neck that read: Some People Just Need Killin’.
Robert Stacy McCain was a free-lance reporter and commentator who had written for The American Spectator, The Washington Times, Taki Magazine, and other racist publications. His own blog, The Other McCain, was considered by many to be the leading agitator of those who President Obama declared this past July 4th to be ‘UNMUTUAL’ and subject to re-education. He was also considered by many to be a sexist and underground pornographer, having developed a set of ‘Rules For Getting A Million Hits On Your Blog’ that included recommending that male and lesbian bloggers regularly post pictures of objectified, scantily-clad females to further a ‘patriarchal agenda designed to destroy all the gains of the feminist movement’, according to Arianna Huffington.
Re-Education Czar Charles Johnson, who had named Mr. McCain ‘UNMUTUAL American Number One’, issued a statement, saying, in part:
A hate-mongering, raaaaacist is dead. Na na na na nah!
Photo of McCain taken as he spoke before some raaaaacist organization.
Andrew Sullivan, semi-columnist for The Atlantic and OB-GYN, could not be reached for comment. His spokesman houseboy and ghost-writer, who requested anonymity, told us that Sullivan was vacationing in a New York bath house and would not be available.
Police are actively investigating the case and have told reporters that blogger and fellow racist Chris Smith, aka ‘Smitty’, is a ‘person of interest’ because, according to rumors reported by MSNBC, Talking Points Memo and the blog Patterico’s Pontifications, the two were secretly gay lovers.
Mrs. McCain has donated her husband’s body to the Alan Grayson Research Center where they will study his brain to determine if his racism and conservative/libertarian beliefs were the result of a genetic defect which rendered him f–king retarded.
Burris categorically deny any involvement in this incident as well as any bribery/payoffs for Senate seats that have gone down in Illinois during Obama’s rise.
From what I here, they’ve got some ‘hot’ leads on Smitty.
Will the blog become ‘The Other Smitty’ now?
He’s gotta a meetin’ scheduled with Old Sparky.
Brilliant fact-finding. I trust you’ll be in charge of the eulogy, but isn’t there a witness protection program calling our name…?
Ok this was pretty funny. I dont care what Stacy tells you guys I am really not THAT mean. really am not!
I don’t believe that any of us think you’re that way, but for abandoning you to perils of a blizzrd, Stacy deserved a tweaking.
Oh, ummm… No, ma’am… we never even thunk it of you. At… at least I didn’t, but Bob might have, b-but not me!
But, then again, it’s Stacy, so maybe you outta be!
I categorically deny any involvement in this Clue board game gone wild. Just because demonic ruminants have been spotted lurking over the shoulders of Fearless Reader, San Fran Nan and, most recently, Rhode Island’s drunken and drugged-up Patches Kennedy, one must not presume my guilt.
I was nowhere near the scene of the crime. I was holed up here eating a bowl of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream pounding away at my keyboard.
Shhhhh…wait. Be verwy qwuiet, I’m hunting wabbits. Er, someone’s knocking at my door. Oh noes…..DON’T TAZ ME BRO.
Tase her, Bro! Tase her again, Bro!
I know she done it. She has the best motive. McCain didn’t get her to Pasadena to see her beloved Tide in victory. Check the corpse and I bet you’ll find plenty of wool fiber evidence.
I deny everything! OK, most everything. Stuff. Some stuff. Oh, look, is that Sarah Palin…?
*slam*
I, of course know NOTHING of this, and am completely innocent. Now, where the Hell IS that shovel?
I dont think it is funny. Not sure why I subscribed here, but I regret it now. Maybe I am an idiot, but this turns my stomach.
I am sad that you feel that way. I make no apologies for it. Stacy does not find it offensive and neither does Mrs. Other McCain.
ROFLMAO.