Bob’s POTUS Endorsement
Welcome my friends to the Campaign that never seemed to want to end.
It was nearly twenty months ago that I began writing regular postings about the 2012 Elections. At that time there were enough contenders for the Republican Nomination to fill a short bus to capacity.
It was my dearest desire that Sarah Palin make a run, but this, like so many other wishes, was crushed last Fall. She would, I believe, have been one Helluva candidate, one ready, willing, and able to make the best case against another four years of the blatant un-Americanism of Barack Hussein Obama and his Red Cell comrades. Further, Mrs. Palin, more than the vast majority of possible conservative candidates, ‘got it’ — she understood damn well what was at stake in this set of Elections.
With the removal of Sarahcuda from consideration, I looked at the field and nearly endorsed Herman Cain, based, I suspect, on my deep respect for Stacy McCain’s opinion of the man. And, also, I liked Mr. Cain’s spirit, his joie de vivre. However, before I could satisfy myself that he was worth the blood, toil, sweat, and tears, Herman Cain left the race amidst a rather disgusting barrage of allegations by his enemies Left and Right.
It was at this point that I gave Rick Santorum a second look. I had dismissed him earlier in the Campaign Season because I felt he did not have the chops, as it were, to go the distance. Imagine my surprise to find that he had learned from his mediocre performances in the first part of 2011 and had greatly improved [although he still did tend to lengthy answers]. It seemed, as well, that he too ‘got it’ more than the others, that he understood that what ails America is not simply a malady effecting our politics, but also our culture. So, I happily did what I could to spread the word about the man.
Sadly, he was steamrolled by the Romney Campaign and, soon enough, he too was gone from the race.
Willard Mitt Romney got the Nod [who got Ben???].
As did so many of my fellow conservatives, he was not my first or second or third choice, but simply the hand we were dealt.
While we gun-toting bitter clingers were not happy, we quickly understood that he would be better than the dangerous Marxist-Leninist-Maoist clown in The White House, so we geared ourselves up to do what it took to see that Willard was elected.
Our task was made much more appealing after his great performance in the first Presidential Debate, when he schooled the Jug-Eared Nancy Boy in what it means to look and act like a President Of The United States.
And all was fine and dandy until I recently heard Willard Mitt sing.
One of the few — perhaps, only — good things to have happened these last four years in regards to the Presidency is that we have had a Chief Executive who could carry a tune [Al Green-like, no less!]. As a composer and a musician, this warmed the cockles of my heart [and, if you’ve ever had your cockles warmed, you know how pleasurable that is] for what is a man, what has he got, if not himself, then he has naught….sorry — I got carried a-my-way.
Look, as the President is the de facto Leader Of The Free World, it is very very very very important that he make America look good in the eyes of all the non-Americans who would like nothing better than to take our bounty…and our Charmin. However, a Commander-In-Chief who can sing would be like a Pied Piper who could seduce the heathen non-Americans with his soothing voice [I do know something about this ability as I was a Pie-Eyed Piper throughout the 1980’s].
However, Barack Hussein Soetero Marshall Davis Obama’s singing pluses are totally offset by his stinky pants Socialism, so I cannot in good conscience [or unconscious] support the brat.
All of the other announced candidates cannot carry a tune, so I must turn to a dark horse.
During these past four years, our world has been turned upside down by the fundamental transformations of moving forward to oblivion and utter silliness.
Absurd times demand a President who is, himself, absurd.
We need a man for the times and a [New York] Times for the man!
This is why I have made the courageous decision to unendorse Willard Mitt Romney and endorse…
ZOMBIE PAT PAULSEN
for President Of The United States
Though he may be dead, Mr. Paulson’s spirit lives on in a container on the mantle and in the hearts and soles of every decent and Patriotic American.
Herewith, a brief primer of his deep-throated wisdom:
-If either the right wing or the left wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
-I ask you, will I solve our civil rights problems? Will I unite this country and bring it forward? Will I obliterate the national debt? ……….. Sure, why not? Thank you.
-No Taxes. Let’s just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.
-Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing.
-I do not claim that I can solve all the world’s problems by myself. If I did, I’d have to run as a Republican or a Democrat.
-Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don’t think about it.
-They said I ignored the drug problem. Well, I gave speeches on drugs, I wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs!
-Let’s all remember that we have a government “of the people, for the people, and by the people”, and there are very few people in our government that you can’t buy.
-Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.
-If Iowa is the ‘heart’ land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?
-Many of you have asked why it’s taken me so long to select a running mate. I have no intention of reaching into the political grab bag and grabbing any man to be my running mate. I’m going to reach in and grab a woman!
-I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.
-All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
-Many political experts have told me that nobody will vote for me because America is not ready for such decisive and dynamic leadership. They tell me these things, and I say nay to the negative nincompoops who never nourished the nihilistic nerve to name a novice to nail down the nomination.
-Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their [Miranda] rights? If they don’t know their rights, they shouldn’t be in the business.
-Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It’s too good for them.
-If elected, I will win.
-We have nothing to fear but fear itself…and of course the boogieman.
-I belong to the Straight Talking American Government Party, or STAG Party for short.
-I’ve upped my standards. Now, up yours.
Indeed! Up your standards and Vote For Zombie Pat Paulsen on 06 November…