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A TCOTS News Exclusive: The Case Of The Fecal Felon

07 October 2011 @ 09:50

TCOTS News may have solved a mystery that has been plaguing the residents of Lake May, Florida for the past several years.

Based on the following report by WKMG-6 News, we have been investigating the source of this baffling whodunit [tip of the fedora to the Drudge Report]:

People in Lake Mary say someone has been throwing hundreds of dirty diapers along their streets for months, possibly years.

Spotting the diapers is easy. Nestled between common trash, they appear along roadsides, one by one, spaced apart is if someone threw each one out of a moving car. And they can be found in the hundreds.

“They put them right in the street, and it’s really bad when it rains and the cars or the garbage trucks run over them — you’re not picking them up,” said Linda Moss, who did pick them up, at first. “I personally went around with plastic bags from the groceries and I picked up 15 diapers.”

Moss said she started noticing them about three years ago, but stopped cleaning up and started calling police each time she saw more diapers. At one point, she thought she nearly caught the “Diaper Bandit” in the act.

Souses, er, sources close to the investigation tell TCOTS News that law enforcement officials now strongly suspect the diapers are those of Barack Hussein Obama because there is ‘overwhelming evidence’. As one of them put it: ‘Look, (1) he’s been crapping on America for nearly three years, (2) he’s full of [what makes the grass grow green], and (3) he’s a real soggy diaper, especially in his speeches and press conferences’.

It was almost exactly three years ago that Barack Hussein Obama was elected President by throwing a lot of crap against the wall and watching some of it stick.

White House Spokesboy Jay Carney responded to our inquiries by snickering so hard snot came out of his nose, farting, and making faces.

The Mayor of Lake May told someone who told a friend who told TCOTS News that Brief Counselors will be available for any city resident that wants one.

TCOTS NEWS: We Report, You Deride.

UPDATE at 1727…

Linked by Admiral William Teach of the good ship Pirate’s Cove over at his Open Thread at Right Wing News.

4 Comments
  1. 07 October 2011 @ 10:43 10:43

    LOL, the potty party dumps on all of us! We should send them some potty chairs, it’s time they learned to use the throne!

  2. Rosalie permalink
    07 October 2011 @ 15:29 15:29

    Now, that was funny. Thanks for the laughs.

    • bobbelvedere permalink*
      07 October 2011 @ 17:03 17:03

      You’re quite welcome. I felt we could use some after this week.

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