Fallout From The War Of The Cleavage
As the main General responsible for the complete and total victory of the forces of natural cleavocracy in the recently concluded War Of The Cleavage, and as ardent student of political and military history, I know that every war has its repercussions, those side effects that could not necessarily be foreseen while in the throes of the conflict. I also know that any war, despite the destruction it inflicts, also raises the hopes of many that some good will come about as the result of victory being achieved.
Such was the case in the late war.
Those of us fighting for the cause of unenhanced frontage feverently hoped that society would learn from the conflict that God-given breasts were good and pneumatic enlargement was evil. This was our solemn wish, but, being the realistic warriors we are and knowing that every human being is tainted with Original Sin, we dared not expect positive result.
I am happy to report that we may have been too quick to consign our dream to mere ruminations in the night.
From the New York Post, Sara Stewart reporting, we learn:
Women have something they’ve been meaning to get off their chests for a while now: their gigantic fake boobs. Like Sharon Osbourne, who just yesterday declared she’s had enough of her 34DDs. She will undergo surgery in July to remove her implants — and turn them into paperweights, which she’ll give to her husband, rocker Ozzy Osbourne. “They’re better on his desk than on my chest,” Osbourne, 57, told Matt Lauer on the “Today” show. “They’re awful!”
Yes, the human Barbie doll look may finally be on the way out, thanks in part to a handful of terrible role models. Cases in point: Heidi Montag, star of “The Hills,” who has now injected her chest with so much silicone that she’s not medically allowed to make it any bigger — or Amy Winehouse, rushed to the hospital last week because of complications from her implants.
Now, even Hollywood is starting to actively prohibit implants (and when the film industry deems something too fake, you know it’s bad). Recently, a casting notice seeking extras for the fourth installment of “Pirates of the Caribbean” specified that actresses “must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants.” It went on to explain that there would be a “show and tell” boob-veracity test that involved, among other things, running.
“I think the ‘Pirates’ story is indicative of a larger trend in Hollywood,” says one female casting agent who’s been working on movies and TV shows for nearly two decades. She asked to remain anonymous. “Large implants, in my opinion, take the projects and the actors to a sleazier level,” she says. “They become a joke.”
…
When it comes to the entertainment industry, any woman with designs on being taken seriously as an actress should take a close look at the silhouettes of today’s A-list gals: Zoe Saldana, who’s openly described herself as “flat-chested.” Natalie Portman, who has said that “breast implants gross me out. I don’t think they’re attractive at all.” Keira Knightley, star of the first three “Pirates” movies, who has talked about having cleavage painted on for her roles rather than go under the knife.
Olivia Wilde, Kristen Bell, Sienna Miller, Emily Blunt, Anne Hathaway, Michelle Williams . . . the list of small-cup beauties goes on.
Of course, there are the busty actresses who opt to stay that way — but their chests don’t look like molded plastic.
“Kate Winslet, who has not had implants but does have larger breasts than most, can be identified with [by most women] while doing love scenes,” says the anonymous casting agent. “You can see they don’t stand up straight while she’s lying down!”
One can only shout HUZZAH!…
…and bring you some EVE MEYER…
Viva Le Naturale!
Actually Mr. Belvedere, I’m surprised that you didn’t mention that Rule 5 queen Christina Hendricks was named by Esquire as the “Best Looking Woman in America” with this title.
(with tongue stuck firmly in cheek)
A few things M….
1) Miss Hendricks is the Rule 5 Empress – a much loftier title and more fitting for such a paragon of womanhood.
2) Mrs. Belvedere is the Best Looking Woman In America – bar none. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
3) While you would seem to be satisfied with your own tongue planted firmly in your own cheek, I would aim higher and seek to stick my tongue firmly in Miss Hendricks’s cheek.
I see where you’ve been going with this now and it has finally hit me, these were not merely the babes of yesterday, but were women from a time where impressive endowments were not gifts from the Carnegie Foundation.
However, I hate to burst your anonymous casting agent’s bubble, but A-list ‘small cup beauty’s like Keira Knightley are lacking a certain significant appeal. There is a reason the boys down at marketing are paintng on cleavage for the promotional photos like mad men, and it has nothing to do with their love of paint. Obviously Heidi Montag’s dissatisfaction with new DDD’s and desire to move on up to HH (I’ve never heard of that rank. Would one still be required to salute?) is a marker that her own notion of increasing her marketability and sex appeal has lost its anchor to reality and is drifting out to sea. All this to say I am okay with the rejection of female enhancement, just as long as you are not expecting me to admire the artistic purity of flat chested performers.
I expect no such thing Nicholas. If you notice, the vast majority of ladies I feature are, at the very least, modestly endowed. When I do feature a gal with small frontage, it is because, despite her lack of curb appeal, she possesses some other attributes which make up for the lack of a front lawn.
However, if given the choice between Keira Knightley and Pam Anderson, the former is certainly more pleasing than the latter in the cleavage department, relatively speaking.
I will always favor the natural over the enhanced and this extends to other areas as well. In addition to my work in the upper regions, I have long railed against the trend for women to try and achieve the shape of a fourteen year-old boy from the waist down [or David Bowie in the Ziggy Stardust days]. The figure eight is the natural shape that the good Lord designed – if it was good enough for Him, who am I to question His wisdom?
Men should take women as they are and not try to convince them to mold themselves into plastic dolls. Beauty does not come from perfection, rather, it arises from a mixture of the ideal with the flawed. How the two combine [how they mix] is the key.
PS: Your first sentence is ‘well played, sir’.