A Little Hump Day Rule 5 ‘Boob War’
The story thus far…
-On 17 February, Archduke Donald Ferdinand Douglas was minding his own business, doing his usual schtick: raising Hell and babe blogging, when he published a photo of the very well-endowed Gemma Atkinson.
-GatorDoug declared that the Archduke had declared a [pardon the vulgarity] ‘Boob War’ and he immediately mobilized [methinks Doug may be of German heritage]. Claiming that Donald had fired the first shot [like some Polish soldier in 1939] Doug fired back with some, shall we say, big guns: Shania Twain and Salma Hayek.
-Soon others joined the battle and the war was on:
=Always itching for a fight, Russ of That’s Right lobbed Cheryl Cole into fray
=Thinking himself the new Marcus Aurelius, Irish Cicero launched a major offensive against the Barbarians of The Ether, sending hot, flaming projectiles in all directions
=The Reluctant Optimist unleashed a secret weapon, Maria Swan, that Russ claimed violated the Rules Of War
=Showing that his isolationist libertarian mantras were nothing but damned lies, The Classic Liberal went nuclear and dropped the Keeley Hazell bomb
=New Jersey soon joined the fray under the command of Chris ‘Hotsky Trotsky’ Wysoki and launched his Bat S–T Crazy Bomb [aka: Jillian Barberie]. After stunning his enemies sufficiently and driving them back, he brought out his newest weapon [one that he bought from The Other McCain factory]: the Side-Boobage Bomb
=Not A Sheep did his best Switzerland impression and stayed neutral while telling all sides that he could be swayed
As things stand now, the war has stalemated, with none of the combatants able to gain much ground.
I have tried my best to stay out of this war, slipping and sliding past many trap doing my best FDR, jazzed like T-Monk battling the ivories, but, in the name of all that is pure and dear about our God-given Rule 5, I can no longer stand by and watch the horrors that this war has brought on a weary world.
I shall defend our Rule 5, whatever the cost may be, I shall fight on the bikini beaches, I shall fight on the fashion runway grounds, I shall fight in the fields and in the bedrooms, I shall fight in the bars; I shall never surrender.
Whoever shall defame Rule 5 is my enemy. As James Ellroy said of one of his characters:
[He] ate tarantula meat and drank panther piss.
He was thinking of Bob Belvedere when he wrote that in American Tabloid.
You’ve awoken a sleeping giant and victory in The Cleavage Wars* will be mine.
It’s D-Day baby and I’m General Patton and William Tecumseh Sherman on serious steroids….
This Is How I Treat My Friends…No silicone.
*Since I will be the victor in this war, and it is the winners who write the histories, future generations will grow-up knowing this, not as the ‘Boob Wars’, but as ‘The Cleavage Wars’ — I ooze class out of every pore, Clyde.